Ramen Noodles for the Makoto&Draco Angst Soul!
by B. Wordsworth
Summary: A series of angsty romance between our favorite green ones…and no, not aliens. Several songfics included as well, hopefully enough to sedate your angsty Makoto needs.
1. Wanting What I Can't Have

**Chapter 1 - Wanting What I Can't Have**

Chapter Synopsis: Sitting in her charms class, Makoto marvels at no matter how much it hurts…she'll stay by his side.

-:-

I hate myself for wanting what I can't have.

But I feel so alive, so complete with him…well, not _with_ him, just around him. With his biting comebacks and his instigating nature, pushing my buttons just the right way.

I love him.

I don't know why, maybe its cause I can't have him? People DO tend to want or believe that they love a certain object solely because they don't have them. Which leads everyone to thinking, do you really love this fellow?

Yes, yes I am…for the past five years actually. Five blasted years of living off his very, every word and whim…hoping, wishing, praying, screaming for just maybe…for once that I..I…

'DON'T SET YOURSELF UP!' I screech in my mind, blinking away the tears gathering in my burning eyes and dammit they won't go, they won't…

I just fight the sudden urge…the urge to just break, shatter, crumble down right here and now, in front of everyone, in front of him cause it hurts so much, it hurts to love someone and have them not loving you back, it hurts having to SIT next to them in every blasted class, his musky entrancing scent enshrouding you and you can't run, you can't you can't…

Diminutive little half-goblin Professor Flitwick peers at me with a puckered brow, curious worry etched about his face. He mouths 'Are you okay?' which is thankfully missed by the absent-minded class. And I swallow the sob forming in my throat, squeezing my eyes shut and nod.

He lingers for a moment, face wrought with hesitancy and and is my pain so obvious? Is it? IS IT!

He turns back to his announcements.

And I release a sigh of relief, disappointedly going unnoticed by my desk partner, my crush, my obsession. I immediately put my strengths in forcing myself to pay attention to Flitwick's lesson, which worked…for about five minutes. No sooner then those five minutes passed, I found my eyes wandering from the front of the room to the person sitting next to me.

And as fate would have, it's Draco Malfoy himself, the blue-eyed devil with soft, damn startling white-blonde hair.

Soft, damn startling white-blonde hair I would give forever to just play with all day, sift the ultra-fine skeins through my fingers…the soft stuff entangling in my fingers. And the ice-blue pools of rippling mischief and mystery that I could drown in forever…

…I wonder if he thinks my eyes are as pretty as the way I think his eyes are.

'Just stop setting yourself up, Makoto.' I croak in my mind, feeling my eyes burning again, chest throbbing and god it hurts…

'He'll never notice you, never care, never understand…'

This isn't healthy, is it? Obsessing, watching, living off another person's every word and action...for five- count em FIVE years. I know what toothpaste he prefers, shampoo and conditioner as well, his clothing and shoe brand…favorite food, music, book, color and movie…which is a tie between Finding Nemo and The Breakfast Club by the way.

Now tell me, isn't he the CUTEST guy you ever met? Well he's clarified all my suspicions.

Glancing at him through the corner of my eye (which is seriously starting to hurt as fuck but it's all worth it, all worth it...); I can tell he's bored. With his chin propped onto his unscathed left fist, his shoulders slouch forward with his laze, eyes scan lethargically about the room. He stares at anything and everything…

…but me.

He looks at Goyle's square-shaped head then at Crabbe's round bowl-cut one, then at some Hufflepuff with black hair. He stares at his nails, frowning slightly as he found one unevenly cut, and then at his bandaged arm, before eyes finally rolling up to the ceiling.

…but not me.

Not me.

Never me.

I would give everything for him to just look at me, I don't care if it's a glare or a sneer just please please…I need those crystal blue orbs, I need the light, I NEED HIM…

But it's never me he looks at. And after five years, I shouldn't expect that he would. Why would he? I'm nothing in his eyes.

He's everything in mine.

And then...and then…he looks to me, to me…he's looking at me…DRACO MALFOY IS LOOKING AT ME, AT ME, AT ME!

ME! Makoto Kino, me. Me.

But I completely forgot I'm looking back so his face contorts with a disgusted scowl.

"What are you looking at, mudblood?"

My cheeks scorch with a flame at my stupidity and goddamit I'm so stupid, so stupid, so so STUPID. And I immediately look away, feeling so utterly humiliated, horrible…so stupid. How dare I even think I can look at that face…that handsome face that I will never touch, never bare a smile…at least not one directed to me.

"Thought so." He mutters with a sneer and then nonono…

Don't, don't go, don't leave me alone. Please! PLEASE!

He looks away.

And I'm nothing again, fading to a lifeless black and white while he remains in bright, vibrant color...still the platinum-haired, luminously blue-eyed devil that I love so much, and god I love you Draco can't you see that?

But suddenly…he looks at me, without the slightest qualm of uneasiness in its orbs…they're so warm…

This…this can't be real, it can't be, it's not me, never me, it just can't can't can't…

Whirling around about myself, I search desperately if maybe it's someone else, behind me cause it can't be me, it's never me…_don't set myself up_…but no one's there…_not another heart break_…it's me…_it can't, it's never_…god, it's me…

Turning back, I glance at him through the corner of my eye and he's still staring at me, with avid intent…something fogging his eyes, it's an indiscernible blur…emotionless. So strong, such interest…like I have been doing for the past five years.

I've watched him for that long, watched him change hair styles, grow in stature, grow in size…watch him go to school functions with some gorgeous looking chick on his arm with my heart breaking every time. He's broken my heart too many times to count..but I..I never stopped loving him…I always forgave…cause in the end its worth it, its worth all the pain and tears for just a moment in those wonderfully warm arms, safe and protected…

I release a shaky breathe, the room spinning and don't Makoto, don't break in front of him, he can't see you like this, can't see it…

You know we've been desk partners every year, every class without fail…a cursed blessing within itself. It was almost as if…as if we were destined…destined to be together. I mean…why would fate choose to put us together then? For him to notice that…notice that I…

'Notice that you, WHAT exactly?' I hiss in my head, words slow and laced with wrenching, practical sense.

'Notice the damn fact that you'd take the fall for him at any given moment, no matter the cost? Or perhaps the fact that you'd give him the world and all he'd have to do is ask? You think he hasn't noticed the obvious, Makoto? You HONESTLY think that he really cares—'

A sob is curling its way into my throat, eyes burning again, cheeks the same…he'll never notice, he'll never care, he'll never notice, he'll never care. He won't…won't…

"Kino," A low, rumbling voice reverberates about the grey blur around me, shatters it into shards and…and…

----I'm back in Professor Flitwick's seventh year third period Charms class, with my heart lodged in my throat and stomach upended in itself, once again trying to fight the urge to break, shatter, crumble…my heart implodes in my chest, I'm so tired...wrought dry with feeble exhaustion, waiting waiting…for him to notice, for him to care…

…why? Why bother? You know he'll never notice, he'll never care, never know…why bother? Why fight the unbeatable fight? Just let go and get on with your life, stop caring cause he doesn't.

Just let go.

'I can't…'

Let go!

'I can't.'

LET GO!

'I CAN'T!'

…why? He doesn't know, ever notice. HE DOESN'T CARE—

'BUT I DO!'

…I do, I care and I still love him. I'll forgive him for this…for everything because…

…you can't help but to forgive when in love.

-:-

This, I like this one better then the original.

Review please. Thanks.


	2. Fly Away

**Fly Away**

Chapter Synopsis: His father doesn't want him, his house doesn't want him. Fifteen-year-old Draco Malfoy just wants a place to belong, to be wanted. Song-fic to Linkin Park's – Somewhere I Belong

This one is a different writing style then I would usually do for my first POV, hope you don't mind. And it's a tad bit twisted, with a bit of a suicidal-apathetic Draco involved.

-:-

Another day, time gone, life wasted.

_(When this began)  
I had nothing to say  
And I get lost in the nothingness inside of me  
(I was confused)  
And I let it all out to find  
That I'm not the only person with these things in mind  
(Inside of me)  
But all the vacancy the words revealed   
Is the only real thing that I've got left to feel  
(Nothing to lose)  
Just stuck, hollow and alone  
And the fault is my own, and the fault is my own_

I'm first into McGonagall's class, the large room empty. I walk to my desk; she doesn't even bother to say hi. It is quiet. Silence is my friend, it always has been, my sole solace in life.

And it leaves; the room comes to life, my fellow students file in, flanked side to side, chatting away. I'm seated in the front; no one bothers to say hi. Pass me as if I don't exist; Hufflepuffs, Ravenclaws, Gryffindors and Slytherin alike.

Suddenly they jeer at me, soft teasing whispers hit my ears and for a second…for a second it hurts. But then it goes away, nothing's there. Numb.

He walks in, beaming his million dollar smile with the two glued to his side. The taller one grins and calls something lewd to his two companions; he laughs, the girl scoffs and shakes her head, eyes chastising.

They lift a hand in greeting to McGonagall out of habit before turning to corner, nearing me. The girl slows, glances at me with uncertain eyes but is quickly jerked away by the red-haired one. He scowls at me, lowers his lips to her ear and says something, hard green eyes never leaving me.

She blinks then scowls, nodding as she turns away, taking her seat.

I am nothing again.

_I wanna heal, I wanna feel what I thought was never real  
I wanna let go of the pain I've held so long  
(Erase all the pain till it's gone)  
I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I'm close to something real  
I wanna find something I've wanted all along   
Somewhere I belong_

Then you walk in, laughing uproariously at something your friend has said. She smiles and waves a temporary fare-well as she turns down to the first aisle to her seat. You wave back before turning your head frontward, glancing at me.

Your cheeks color suddenly as you bound closer, staring at me. Uncertainty, reluctance. You take your seat, placing your books onto the table. You don't look at me, twiddle your fingers and shrink in your seat.

You are embarrassed.

I turn away; stare into the tinted glass window next to me. My reflection peers back with dull, dead eyes, wrought the exhaustion of carrying on his name.

I see myself, yet I do not.

…he stares back at me, cold sneer and biting eyes, swirling with vast repulsion and shame. Not good enough, not smart. Never measure up, never be him.

_And I've got nothing to say  
I can't believe I didn't fall right down on my face  
(I was confused)  
Looking everywhere only to find  
That it's not the way I had imagined it all in my mind  
(So what am I)  
What do I have but negativity  
'Cause I can't justify the way, everyone is looking at me  
(Nothing to lose)   
Nothing to gain, hollow and alone  
And the fault is my own, and the fault is my own_

We're transforming bean sprouts into string beans today. I flick my wand, it contorts, yellow to green. I'm done. The teacher passes by our table, glances at yours and smiles, patting your back lightly. Good job, she says. You smile, proud and nod, murmuring a thank you.

She doesn't look at mine. Walks away, off to the next table.

You sigh, shoulders slouching. You are tired. You blink for a moment, staring at the string bean before slowly glancing at mine. You look up, luminous green eyes gazing at me.

I stare back and you jerk away, face coloring.

The bell rings, class is over. I gather my things, shove them in my bag, sling it over my shoulder. I attempt to step out, but everyone rushes past me and I shrink back. I wait, let them pass.

They're gone, but you remain. You scribble down the last spells into your book, then shut it closed. Hands hastily round their belongings and toss them carelessly into a grey bag.

You look up, green eyes fluttering with confusion. Pause, lips purse, you ask me what is wrong. I don't answer, just stare at you.

God, your eyes are beautiful.

_I wanna heal, I wanna feel what I thought was never real  
I wanna let go of the pain I've held so long  
(Erase all the pain till it's gone)  
I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I'm close to something real  
I wanna find something I've wanted all along   
Somewhere I belong_

I lock myself in my room for the lunch hour. No one will notice, no one will care. It's dark, the lights off, I sit alone on the cold wooden floor, knees drawn to my chest. The shadows enshrouds me into the dark abyss; too deep in to be saved, too far in to care. Silence enfolds me, I smile. Silence never left me. Silence is my friend.

Your laugh rings the air. I jerk up, gain to my feet. Closed velvet curtains of forest green part slightly, the light shining through. My eyes string at the light, shrinking away in pain and fear. Eyes adjust, I slowly creep them open.

Out under my balcony you and your friends are having lunch outside. Seated around a stone table on stone benches, triangular cut sandwiches and goblets of deep burgundy liquid. You laugh at a senseless joke the sable-haired girl beside you says. She grins proudly before carefully plucking her sandwich off her plate, she bites it.

You have a beautiful laugh.

Then, you glance up, big round eyes peering expectantly at me. Your eyes flutter indifferently towards me, then you smile. Unconsciously, I smile too. You raise your arm and motion towards me, mouth to come over. Your friends look up with curiosity. Their eyes widen with surprise, heads snapping back at you.

They tell you to ignore me, don't invite me over, I'm a freak, I'm my father's son. I shrink away, back into the darkness, away from the light, away from everyone.

I hear you berate them, tell them to stop, then yell for me to come join. Their scoffs grow louder, your calls do as well.

I want to join you, I want to quip a senseless joke and make you laugh again, that beautiful laugh. But I can't.

I sit back down. Shadows enshroud me, silence enfolds me.

I wait for lunch to be over.

_I will never know myself until I do this on my own  
And I will never feel anything else, until my wounds are healed  
I will never be anything till I break away from me  
I will break away, I'll find myself today_

It's a quarter to six. Everyone is out with their friends. I'm in the Astronomy Tower. Its cool, the sun is setting. I lean heavily against the railing. The wind pushes past me, I feel alive.

I tilt my head down, stare at the ground beneath me. Copses of bushes line the bottom. I contemplate jumping. Would anyone notice? Would anyone care? Would _he_ notice? Would _he_ care?

Another breeze wafts by. The thought of jumping is even more enticing. The winds would rush past me, I'd finally feel alive. I'll jump.

I lift my leg up and begin to hover it to the other side. Is anyone going to notice? The other leg swings over. My arms cling to the railing behind me, I lean forward. The bushes will break my fall. I'll fly away from it all.

I'll be free.

The door opens behind me. You scream. You run over, grab me by the wrist. You tell me I'm nuts, not to do it. I glance back at you. You wrench back slightly, but remain holding my wrist.

We remain like this for a while. Then you frown and tug me back, yank me over the railing. I fall over, land flat on my back. You kneel beside me. Your eyes are watery.

…over me?

Don't ever do that again, you say practically in tears, absently wiping them away with your hand. You scared me, you say, sniffling some.

Why do you care?

Then, you take me by the wrist. Adrenaline shoots through me, what are you doing? You say that you're gonna keep me by your side for the rest of the evening. You say you don't want me to try it again.

I try and pull away. You remain firm; lead me out of the Astronomy Tower. People look at you quizzically, half-appalled. She's gone crazy, they say, she's sucha loser. I feel something simmering deep inside. I want to hit them, make them stop.

You aren't crazy. You aren't a loser.

You glance over your shoulder at me and smile. You're my desk partner, you say. I don't respond. You say I'm really good at Transfiguration. Something else bubbles inside me.

You lead me through the corridors, through the main hall. The whispers grow louder, odd looks more blatant. You don't care.

You tell me its supper time, I would've missed it. I remain indifferent. You continue to pull me along, through the gawking crowds. We enter the Great Hall. It's so loud, I feel exposed. Everyone stares at you and me. You still don't care.

Our hands are still latched. The place you hold me is beginning to tingle, it burns. I try to pull back, you remain firm. You're going to eat with me, you state to me. I give in, my energy gone.

You sit in the middle of the bench seat. Your friends don't greet you. They look at me. They whisper, face scandalous. What's your problem, they ask you. You scowl and glare at them, tell them to knock it off.

They scoff and turn back to their meal, their conversation. I'm still standing here. Eyes bore into me, whispers burn me. I want to run. I want to hide in the shadows. Silence, I need silence…

You tilt your head back, stare questioningly. You tell me to sit, pat the vacant spot next to you. I shake my head, shrink away. Your friends begin to snicker. Told you so, they hiss with a smirk. You snap your head to them, you growl for them to stop. They don't.

They tell me to go run, get out of here freak. I do as I'm told. I spin my heel and run. Run as fast as I can. Their laughs echo behind me. It doesn't laugh. My legs leap farther and wider. Unknown faces give me a moment's glance. They quickly turn back to their own thing.

I hear your cries. Don't follow me. You do, steps pound behind me. I continue to run. Your cries stop. Your steps stop.

Silence is here.

I'm home.

_I wanna heal, I wanna feel what I thought was never real  
I wanna let go of the pain I've held so long  
(Erase all the pain till it's gone)  
I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I'm close to something real  
I wanna find something I've wanted all along   
Somewhere I belong_

It's midnight. Everyone is asleep. I'm atop the Astronomy Tower. My roommates don't notice, don't care. They beat me in my sleep. Their laughs echo my mind.

The wind tears through me. I come to life. My problems waft away from me. Everything is good. But then it subsides, I am dead again. The problems are back. Everything is cold.

You pop into my mind. Your pleas from this evening come to mind. The tears in your eyes cause my own to burn. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I hurt you.

I want you here. I want you holding my hand, show me you care. Tell me not to do anything stupid, not to scare you again. But you're not. You're asleep.

…who are you dreaming of? I hope it's me you're dreaming of. I hope this never happens to you. I hope you never die.

I lift myself up and swing my lower half over the railing. My feet cling to the little perch beyond it. My arms stretch out behind me. I dangle between flying and not.

Will anyone care? Will he care? Will you care?

I think for a moment. My life shoots past me.

I remember when I was seven. I drew him a picture. Him defeating Dumbledore. He scoffed. He tossed it back to me. I remember not being good enough. I remember not being smart. I remember him telling me I didn't belong in the Malfoy family.

I think of the times at school. I recall my first years. I was the Prince of the snakes; I reigned with an iron fist. I had the respect. I had the admiration. I had the hate.

But times change. People change. My passion faded. My admiration did too. I began to fade. I became a walking silhouette. I went unnoticed. They forgot I even attended the school.

But…but you still did. You seemed to watch out for me. You lent me a hand. You took time to say hi. But it was all subtext…wasn't it? It was all just being polite. You didn't want too. You didn't want to watch out for me. You didn't want to lend a hand. You didn't want to waste time saying hi.

I guess you are just like the rest. You have etiquette though. You'd belong in the Malfoy family. You're perfect.

But I'm not. I never will be.

I let go. I fly. I'm free.

I never got to tell you.

You're eyes are beautiful.

_I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I'm somewhere I belong  
I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I'm somewhere I belong  
Somewhere I belong_

Monday morning.

The school comes to life. Children begrudgingly get ready for class. Room 3002, male fifth year Slytherin dormitories. A roommate is missing. The remaining three don't notice. They gather their things. They walk out the door.

Breakfast starts. Morning is slow and lethargic. Some students are half-asleep in their cereal. Others study for a test first block. The rest talk quietly amongst themselves. An auburn-haired Slytherin girl remains quiet. She glances frequently down the table.

He is not there. She hopes he didn't do anything stupid.

Time flows, classes pass, life is wasted.

The auburn-haired Slytheirn girl enters McGonagall's Transfiguration class. It is full, alive with chatter. Her brow furrows. Her partner isn't there.

She absently waves good-bye to her friend. She walks to her seat, sits down. He's probably late. She waits. Five minutes pass.

He is still not here.

Adrenaline shoots her bones. Please, say he didn't do anything stupid.

The teacher ambles into the room. She sets her things down, she begins announcing the days lessons. The auburn-haired Slytheirn girl frowns. She looks at the vacant spot next to her.

Where is he?

Sheer terror besieges her. She prays he didn't do it, she prays he's alive. She never got to tell him.

His smile is beautiful.

She wants to cry. She wants him here.

The door shoots open. He's standing there. Relief settles in her. His left leg is wrapped. He stares at her.

"Sorry I'm late." He says, smirking faintly.

"Had a bad slip."

The teacher stares at him wide-eyed. Something was different. She hesitates, then swallows, fiddling with her spectacles.

"Either way, five point deduction from Slytherin. Go take your seat Mr. Malfoy."

He nods and carefully shuts the door behind him. The class stares. Whispers float the room. He's different.

He held his head high. His arms swing at his side. He smirks.

He takes his seat. Plops his books carelessly onto the table. The auburn-haired Slytheirn girl stares at him with round eyes. She swallows thickly.

"I-I…thought you…,"

He raises his hand, cuts her off. He cups either side of her face. He leans close. She blushes.

"You have beautiful eyes."

_I couldn't leave without telling you. I'm sorry I worried you. But I'll fly away someday. With you._

-:-

and that is the end of this one. Linkin Park is some really deep shit.

So it was a mind-boggling long ass time since I updated. I've served myself FAR too much to keep up with my usual updating skills. So please, understand.

Review!


End file.
